What’s Really Going On? Understanding the Connection Between “Challenging Behaviours” and the Nervous System

At Grow Therapy Services, we often hear from families who feel overwhelmed by their child’s “challenging behaviours.” Whether it’s resistance to transitions, meltdowns over seemingly small things, or complete shutdowns during certain activities—these moments can feel confusing, exhausting, and isolating.

But what if we looked at behaviour differently? What if, instead of seeing it as something to fix or manage, we saw it as communication?

Let’s reframe “challenging behaviours” by understanding the deep connection between a child’s nervous system and how they respond to the world around them.

Behaviour Is the Tip of the Iceberg

The behaviours we see on the surface—like yelling, running away, refusal, or zoning out—are often just the visible signs of what’s happening underneath. Beneath those behaviours is a nervous system that is constantly scanning the environment for safety.

For neurodivergent children, this system can be particularly sensitive. Everyday situations—like loud noises, bright lights, social expectations, or even a simple demand—can feel overwhelming and unsafe to their nervous system, even if it doesn’t seem like a “big deal” to others.

The Fight, Flight, Freeze… and More

Many parents are familiar with the basic stress responses:

• Fight: yelling, hitting, arguing

• Flight: running away, hiding, avoidance

• Freeze: zoning out, shutdown, non-responsiveness
  

But these responses can also look different in neurodivergent children.

Let’s reframe some common behaviours using nervous system responses:

• "I wonder if my child’s refusal to start a task isn’t about defiance, but their nervous system going into flight—trying to avoid something that feels overwhelming or unsafe."

• "I wonder if yelling or throwing things is my child’s fight response showing up when they feel unsafe, misunderstood, or dysregulated."

• "I wonder if when my child stares off into space or shuts down, they might be in a freeze state, where their body has decided that the safest thing is to disconnect."

These “I wonder…” statements help shift the focus from judgement to curiosity. They allow us to pause and reflect on the why behind the behaviour—not just the what. In addition to the more commonly discussed fight, flight, and freeze responses, there is another stress response that is often overlooked—fawn.

Fawn is the nervous system’s response to perceived danger by trying to appease others to avoid conflict or rejection. It’s often a survival mechanism developed over time when other responses haven’t felt safe or effective.

Neurodivergent children—particularly autistic or ADHD girls and those assigned female at birth—may experience fawn responses frequently, although it is often misunderstood or misidentified.

Let’s reframe fawning with some examples:

• "I wonder if my child’s eagerness to please or constant apologising is a fawn response—a learned strategy to avoid rejection or conflict?"

• "I wonder if my child saying ‘yes’ to everything, even when overwhelmed, is their way of keeping the peace because they don’t feel safe to say no?"

• "I wonder if their people-pleasing or perfectionism is masking their distress or dysregulation?"
  

Fawning can look like compliance, helpfulness, or being the “good” or “quiet” child—but underneath, it can signal chronic nervous system activation, masking, and a deep fear of disconnection.

These patterns are often praised in school or community settings, which can make it harder for families and professionals to recognise when a child is actually struggling. Over time, fawning can contribute to burnout, anxiety, and identity confusion—especially if the child begins to disconnect from their own needs in favour of meeting others’ expectations.

GROW Framework

Introducing the GROW™ Framework

At Grow Therapy Services, we developed the GROW™ Neuroaffirming Behaviour Framework to help families, educators, and professionals unpack the hidden messages behind behaviour.

GROW stands for:

G — Grounded in identity

R — Responsive to their individual needs

O — Open to communication differences

W — Whole person, whole system lens

Let’s apply the GROW™ lens to a common example:

Scenario: Your child refuses to get out of the car to go into school.

• G (Grounded in identity):I wonder if my child is masking all day at school and doesn’t feel fully safe to be themselves there?

• R (Responsive to their individual needs):I wonder if they need more connection or regulation time before facing a big day?

• O (Open to communication differences):I wonder if their silence or avoidance is actually communication—they’re showing me it’s too much in this moment.

• W (Whole person, whole system):I wonder if the classroom lights, noise, or unpredictability are sending their nervous system into survival mode?
  

When we look through this lens, the behaviour becomes a signal—a clue that something is out of balance. And when we listen to the signal with compassion and curiosity, we’re better able to support—not suppress—our child’s needs.

Supporting Nervous System Regulation

If our child’s behaviours are nervous system responses, then the goal isn’t control—it’s co-regulation.

That means helping their body feel safe again.

Some ways to support this include:

• Offering predictability through routines and visual schedules

• Creating sensory-friendly environments with soft lighting, noise-cancelling headphones, or safe movement breaks

• Building emotional safety by validating their feelings and showing up with calm presence

• Using their SPINs (special interests) as a bridge to connection and regulation

• Making space for downtime, recovery, and unstructured moments
  

In Summary

Behaviours inherintley are not "challengin.” They become challenging when they don't align with our expectations in the moment. In most cases, children are trying to communicate the only way their body knows how in that moment.

Understanding the nervous system responses behind behaviour allows us to:

• Respond with empathy

• Meet the real need

• Reduce stress for both parent and child

  
  

At Grow Therapy Services, we’re here to walk alongside you in that journey—offering neuroaffirming, evidence-informed supports that centre the dignity and needs of your child.

Explore More:

Want to dive deeper into the GROW™ Framework and learn how to support your child’s behaviour in a neuroaffirming way?

Visit our Inclusive Training Hub to explore our online courses and resources.

Or contact us to book a family session where we can explore your child’s unique needs, nervous system profile, and support strategies together.