When we see certain behaviours in children—whether it’s shutting down, becoming frustrated, or acting out—it’s easy to feel lost as to what’s really going on. But for neurodivergent children, these behaviours are often their way of communicating a need or a feeling. Understanding the “why” behind these actions can be a game changer for parents and caregivers.
All Behaviours Are Communication
Think of your child’s behaviour as a message they’re trying to send you. Maybe they don’t have the words, or perhaps words aren’t the best way for them to express themselves. Behaviours are their natural way of showing you, “I need something,” or “I need to get away from something.” When you look at it this way, every action—whether it’s positive or challenging—has a purpose behind it.
For example, a child might lash out if they feel overwhelmed by loud noises, or they might run away from a situation that’s too crowded or bright. These actions aren’t “bad behaviours,” they are just their way of telling you something needs to change in their environment, or that they’re not feeling safe or understood.
Domains of a Child’s World: What to Consider
When trying to decode your child’s behaviour, it helps to think about the different areas of their life that might be impacting them. Below are some key domains to consider:
1. Sensory: Neurodivergent children often experience the world differently through their senses. Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, or certain textures can cause them to feel overstimulated or even distressed. A behaviour like covering their ears or refusing to wear certain clothes might be their way of trying to cope with overwhelming sensory input.
2. Communication: Every child communicates differently. Some may use words, other gestures, body language, or alternative forms of communication (such as AAC devices). If your child struggles to express what they need or how they feel, they might show frustration through their behaviour. They’re not “acting out”—they’re trying to say, “I don’t know how to tell you.”
3. Tangible Needs: Sometimes, a child’s behaviour is a way to gain access to something they want or need, like food, a toy, or even your attention. If a child becomes upset when denied something, it could be because they don’t understand why, or they can’t express their need in a way that feels heard.
4. Environmental: The child’s physical environment can play a huge role in their behaviour. Is the space too noisy, too busy, or too unpredictable? Changes in their surroundings, like a new person in the room or a sudden shift in routine, can cause behaviours that show they are feeling uncomfortable or anxious.
Suggested Strategies for Support
While each individual and situation is unique, beginning to look deeper and understanding these hidden messages is the first step. Next, you can begin to put strategies in place to support your child in ways that feel good for both of you.
- Be a detective: Observe when and where certain behaviours happen. Are there patterns? Is there something in the environment triggering it? Once you know the “why,” it’s easier to meet your child’s needs before behaviours escalate.
- Offer choices: Many children feel overwhelmed when they don’t have a say in what’s happening. Offering simple, structured choices can give them a sense of control. For example, “Would you like to play with blocks or read a book?” allows them to express their preference without feeling overwhelmed by too many options.
- Sensory support: Create a sensory-friendly environment that matches your child’s needs. This could mean having noise-cancelling headphones on hand, dimming lights, or creating a quiet space where they can retreat if things get too much.
- Alternative communication: Encourage your child to communicate in ways that work best for them. This might include using visual supports, picture cards, or technology-based tools like an AAC device. Helping them build confidence in communicating their needs reduces the frustration that often leads to challenging behaviours.
- Routine and predictability: Children thrive on routine, especially those who might find it hard to adapt to change. Establishing a predictable routine can reduce anxiety and prevent behaviours caused by feeling unsure of what’s coming next. If change is unavoidable, prepare your child by talking through or visually showing what will happen.
A Final Thought
Remember, your child’s behaviours are not about making life harder—they’re about trying to communicate in the best way they know how. By taking the time to understand the message behind the behaviour, you can create a more supportive, loving environment where your child feels understood, safe, and empowered to express themselves.
Every child’s journey is different, but with patience and understanding, you can learn to hear what they’re really trying to say.
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This neuro-affirming approach not only helps your child feel supported but also strengthens the connection between you. After all, behaviour is just communication in action!
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