Moving from “Managing” Behaviour to Understanding and Supporting

Seeing Behaviour Through a New Lens..

When we think about behaviour — especially the kinds that get called “challenging” — it's easy to fall into old patterns of thinking: that a child is being “naughty,” “manipulative,” or “defiant.” But what if we told you that behaviour isn’t something to fix or punish... it’s something to understand?

At Grow Therapy Services, we believe every behaviour is a form of communication. It's a message, often hidden, about what a person is experiencing internally or trying to express externally.

When we shift from seeing behaviour as a “problem” to seeing it as information, we can support individuals in a way that is respectful, empowering, and genuinely helpful.

Why Traditional Views on Behaviour Fall Short

For a long time, behaviour has been viewed through a compliance lens — where success was measured by how quiet, compliant, or “well-behaved” someone appeared to be.

This approach doesn't ask why a behaviour is happening.

It overlooks the sensory overload, unmet needs, communication challenges, anxiety, trauma, and even joy that might be behind a person’s actions.

When we ignore the “why,” we risk:

• Misunderstanding the person's needs

• Applying strategies that escalate, rather than de-escalate

• Damaging a person’s self-esteem and mental wellbeing

  
  

Instead, we can choose to look deeper — to become behaviour detectives, not behaviour managers.

Behaviour Is Communication

Every behaviour tells us something.

It might be expressing:

• A need for connection

• A need to escape or avoid something overwhelming

• Sensory seeking or avoiding

• Feelings of fear, anxiety, confusion, or excitement

• A need for autonomy and control

• Difficulty understanding or being understood
  

Challenging behaviours are not a sign of a “bad child” (or adult!). They are a sign that the person is doing their best to meet their needs - with the tools they currently have.

Seeing the Hidden Messages

When we view behaviours through a new, neuroaffirming lens, we begin to ask important questions:

🔍 Is this person trying to gain something they need (like sensory input, attention, or a tangible item)?

🔍 Or are they trying to avoid something overwhelming, distressing, or unsafe?

Some examples:

• A child throwing toys might be trying to communicate sensory overwhelm or seek proprioceptive input to regulate.

• A teenager refusing to go to school might be trying to avoid an environment that feels unsafe, confusing, or exhausting.

• A toddler hitting might be trying to communicate frustration, without yet having the words or emotional regulation skills to do so.

  
  

When we ask what are they trying to tell us? — instead of how can I stop this? — we open up a world of possibilities for support.

Moving from “Managing” Behaviour to Understanding and Supporting

When we uncover the hidden messages behind behaviours, our role as parents, therapists, educators, or supporters shifts from managing behaviours to meeting needs.

Here’s how we can support more effectively:

• Validate emotions: It's okay to have big feelings. Name and validate the emotion first before problem-solving.

• Meet sensory needs: Offer sensory supports and options for regulation throughout the day.

• Support communication: Use visuals, AAC, sign language, or other accessible communication forms.

• Prioritise safety and connection: Before any “teaching moment,” ensure the person feels safe and connected.

• Offer autonomy: Allow for choice and control wherever possible. Autonomy supports wellbeing and reduces distress-driven behaviours.

• Collaborate, not control: Work with the person, not over them. Problem-solve together where possible.

  
  

When we approach with curiosity, compassion, and collaboration, we nurture not only behavioural growth — but also mental health, trust, and confidence.

Final Thoughts:

Challenging behaviour isn’t a “bad behaviour.”

It’s an unmet need, an unmet communication attempt, or a call for support.

At Grow Therapy Services, we are committed to helping families, schools, and communities understand behaviour through a neuroaffirming, human rights-based lens.

Together, we can create environments where every person feels seen, heard, respected — and supported to thrive.

Want to learn more? We've written a whole book on Understanding the Hidden Messages Behind Behaviours and its available for instant download now!